LOSS COMES IN MANY SHAPES and forms, from the loss of a loved one to the loss of objects or surroundings.
Death is not the only form of loss. Sometimes the person you feel like you are losing is only a few steps away, but you know in your heart that they are lost to you or you are about to lose them forever.
For most people the moment of a break up is a lot like being in an accident. Your life either stops as you know it or all that you anticipated would happen is happening and the only difference is that now, you are actually experiencing it.
Similar to being in an accident, the hardest part is not the hit but rather the recovery. If you got hit by a car your body goes into shock, making things less severe than they already are. In the case of a break-up, denial is like going into shock and only after it’s gone do you feel the real consequences of your injury.
After a while, most people accept the facts after a loss in order to get their life back into rhythm. But while there are rules to physical recovery, there are none for emotional ones.
Recovering from the loss of a loved one is similar to having a broken femur, the largest bone in the human body since both cases have a long recovery period and both realistically cause the same amount of crippling to one’s life.
Identify the damage
Before treating a broken bone a doctor would want to know how the bone was broken to be able to fix it the right way. Not all break ups have someone to blame, but they all have a reason.
Identifying that reason is the first step towards being able to accept the loss and learn from it, even if the fault is your own. Since there is no break-up x-ray machine to find out the extent of the damage, the only thing left to do is a realistic analysis of the gap left behind to figure out how to fix it.
When you fall in love with someone you don’t give them a slot that was empty but rather compromise space from other aspects of your life to fit them in. The emptier your life feels after a break-up, the more you find out the compromises you made for that relationship, whether it’s less time with friends and family or less focus on work and personal hobbies.
Taking a hard look at the compromises made is a crucial step, not only to identify and fix the damage, but to learn about what not to compromise in the future.
Living in a cast
Bones need time to heal, and they can only heal at their own pace. You can’t rush getting your life back together after a break up when you are not ready, and can’t hide in your cast longer than you should.
Get yourself back to your usual routine and maintain it until you can get used to it. Focusing more on work and punctuality, catching up with friends and hanging out, taking up an abandoned hobby are all great ways to get an alternative routine.
Overdoing any of these activities to compensate, however, is not a solution but more like replacing an addiction with another. A balanced alternative routine is a healthy step to give you time to heal without rushing into anything new and risking a backfire to recovery.
The other side of rushing into a quick recovery is to take more time than needed to recover. The human mind is not a machine that can simply delete people; sometimes we just can’t help but think of the loss even if the recovery is going great.
Occupying your mind with things you have no control over is as useful as penguins occupying their mind with astrophysics. Looking back at the past is as they say like looking at the rearview mirror while driving. Look too long and you will crash, so it’s only right to glimpse once in a while.
Getting back on the horse
Finding love and having a life partner should not be the main part of your life but rather a part of it. So many people put their main efforts into finding someone before they can even find themselves.
No one can ever be truly happy in a relationship until they can be happy being single first. So before you get back in the dating world, learn to be happy being you first.
Since being happy is a relative term, the point is to not make “love” the only part of your life that provides you with happiness. Have an aspect of your life that makes you happy first, so that you would share it with that special someone and then with both together you can be content.
Expecting to only be happy when you find someone is like expecting to be full just by having dessert. Sooner or later having ice-cream all the time would lose its original value because it was meant to make everything better, not to be everything.
In a relationship you spend time and energy getting to know everything about someone, after a break up all this gigabytes of data in your head becomes obsolete. So what do you do with this information?
Most people remember the fights, and few of the good memories, but what’s even worse than just holding on to useless negative information is importing them into new relationships. While I would agree that you need to take what you learned with you, you can’t let your old baggage affect your future relationships nor affect your view on people.
Moving on is different for each and every one of us, simply because what keeps us going is different. There is no key to moving on because it is not just a step but it is also a choice, it might be hard but not complicated. So all any of us can do is to make that choice because sooner or later it becomes a must.